Six weeks, we lived in our trucks. Six weeks, we camped out, hiked and climbed. Six weeks, we slept in Walmart parking lots and washed in rivers, gyms or YMCA's. For six odd some weeks, people that we were crazy. There's something to be said for going to sleep under the stars and waking up beneath the trees. I learned a lot those six weeks. I ate a lot of oatmeal and learned the art of shaving my legs in the river. Dry shampoo? Those six weeks made me a believer in it! Herbal Essences, you saved this girl! I became thankful for everything I owned. My pillow, my camera, my gear and my clean socks. I ate less because, I didn't have a whole kitchen full of unnecessary food. Less really is more.
I didn't waste time online, watching t.v., sleeping in; I enjoyed slowing down. Everything became a process and I figured out what I really wanted, what I really needed. I wasn't going to do anything that I didn't want to do. I didn't want to waste resources, energy or time. There's a freedom in living for yourself, truly living for yourself. The friends I did this with seemed to be the only ones that understood.
As if the adventure wasn't enough, I found out I was pregnant. The reality that I couldn't live as a gypsy hit me and plans for the real "American Dream" were set in motion. I found a job, a lease for an apartment was signed and the equipment was put up.
(My 5 month baby pump)
My pregnancy seemed to last forever! It felt like I was never going to have the baby. For me, being pregnant was the most challenging time of my life because it limited me in every area; I understand why it takes 9 months to grow a human...we're selfish. It took the whole pregnancy for me emotionally to be "okay" with having him. Time wasn't stopping and I had to figure out a whole new life for us.
The end of March finally came. My delivery, still freaks me out. The whole thing is bazar! I couldn't wrap my mind around it all and even now, still have trouble sometimes. I had put so much stock into this day, into this moment that he'd be born and before I knew it, it was over. I was handed a 5 lb. little human and expected to take care of it. I couldn't sleep that much those first few days. I wanted to stay awake, I didn't want to miss a single thing! I wanted my family to stay forever, I wanted Silas to stay small forever and I wanted parts of my previous life to resurface now that I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to be in control for the first time in a really long time of everything that was around me.
Motherhood is different then I imagined it to be. It's comfortable for me. I've never felt so assure of who I am and even more assure of who I don't want to be. There's no room for comparison. I want to be Silas's mom and the responsibility to give him my all, is a rewarding one. He turns 3 months old today and time has become my biggest enemy. I no longer want him to stay a newborn. It's a tug of war on my heart; the joys of watching him grow and the sadness that I won't always be as needed. (That's where the selfishness comes full circle! A never ending battle over my thoughts and actions.)
(Me at Garden of the Gods)
The equipment is back out. The parts of my life that I temporally lost when I was pregnant, I've started up again. I feel confident in my own skin again, a healthier version of me has been formed. I don't think I was chasing the wrong things before, I think I was chasing the road that would fill the void I had created. I was surviving. I'm not alone in that, we run or stop when circumstances get hard. Our generation as picked up the motto, "fake it, till you make it." Which is ridiculous. That road runs out. I didn't know what road I was on, I didn't know where it was leading but I'm thankful I took it. It hurt like hell. It ripped me into shreds. Silas's life gave me a reason to repair. A less guilty, less self absorbed and far less regret is being practiced on this new road. The road of redemption. I wouldn't go as far to say that Motherhood "saved" me because, I'm already saved by grace. It has however reminded me how sweet life can be and how much I want Silas to know what it feels to live by grace. His life restored my faith in love and that marriage and commitment are worth fighting for. His life brings joy and a new beginning for all things. I'm stronger...or maybe just a different kind of strong, a mother kind of strong. I have one piece of the puzzle figured out. All I can do from here is love on and pray for Silas. And eat cake every time he turns another month old because, his life is worth celebrating!
